Perfectionism: part 2

            Several academic journal articles also explain that there are three general dimensions of perfectionism. Self-oriented perfectionism occurs when a person requires perfection of self, whereas other-oriented perfectionism occurs when a person requires perfection from others (Haring, et al. 144). Socially prescribed perfectionism occurs when a person feels that others expect perfection of them personally (144). This third type of perfectionist feels that others are strictly judging their performance and will only be satisfied if their personal behavior meets those unrealistic expectations (144). These dimensions of perfectionism negatively affect the relationships these people have with others and are often associated with depression (144). Adjusting unrealistic expectations is a way to limit the stress and ease the pressure which results from the introspective self-blame associated with maladaptive perfectionism (144).

            In addition to those three general dimensions of perfectionism, several academic journal articles discussed five other aspects of perfectionism: extremely high personal standards, concern over mistakes, self-doubt, high parental expectations and criticism, and a strong preference for order and organization (Adams 64). All five of these aspects are at play with the perfectionism in my own life. As the oldest child, my parents had very high expectations of me and I was convinced they would be disappointed with me if those expectations weren’t met. Even as an adult, I still worry at times about disappointing them. I also have high expectations for myself and I work very hard to always do my best and to avoid mistakes in all aspects of my life. This often results in indecision and sometimes procrastination because I know how much effort it actually takes to do my best. 

            In his journal article, Michael D. Adams also explained that “the moral or religious expectations contained within the standards of a particular belief system can function as a measure of the self” (62). He continued:

Religious individuals may equate whether or not they are acceptable to God and significant others within their religious community with their ability to meet the religious standards of their faith community. When individuals fail to live up to these standards, they often experience high levels of shame, guilt, and self-condemnation. In addition, religious individuals may experience higher levels of anxiety and self-criticism based on perceived sins, prophecies of future events, and their worrying about their own salvation or the salvation of others. (62)

            This is a description of religious perfectionism and it is very common among members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Adams 62). As a life-long member of this church, I have struggled on some level with everything in that description, especially while I was serving a full-time proselyting mission. During those eighteen months, I felt like I never measured up to the ideal (or “perfect”) missionary. The mission is also where I met my future husband, which is ironic, since he and our two adult children no longer believe.

            Their unbelief has complicated my struggle because one of the main teachings in the LDS church is that family relationships continue beyond death for eternity (Adams 73). Another closely related teaching is that everyone will be judged for their actions on earth to determine their eternal condition in the afterlife (73). In order to cope with the ongoing dissonance between those teachings and my family members’ unbelief, I have gradually learned to incorporate some of the counsel from the previously mentioned academic journal articles. I have tried to be more flexible in my faith, while adjusting the expectations I have for myself and my family members. I have recently wondered if this unexpected situation has given me a chance to become more clear about what I personally believe (separate from my dad on one extreme and my husband on the other) and to continue to learn how to step away from my perfectionistic tendencies.

            Another academic journal article discussed the way other fundamentalist Christian sects also focus on perfectionism (with its unrealistic expectations), which can lead to dysfunction in individual lives and families (Heise and Steitz 11). The writers suggested focusing on spiritual growth, rather than on spiritual perfection (11). This emphasis is similar to twelve-step programs, rather than structured religion (11). When people equate perfection with living a sinless life, they are misinterpreting the Bible’s meaning and they set themselves up to fail, since all humans make mistakes (12).

            Professor Cassy Budd explored the biblical meaning of perfection in a speech at Brigham Young University. She summarized this explanation by a professor in their linguistics department:

Our understanding of the word perfect has changed over the last 400 years: whereas we use perfect to mean “flawless” today, its Latinate root meant something closer to “finished.” Furthermore, the Hebrew word that was translated as “perfect” in the Bible might have been more accurately translated as “complete.” Perfection, for us, is not about being flawless; it is about being finished. (14 Feb. 2017)

That finishing process is ongoing throughout our lives. During my visits and walks with women over the past six years, we have often discussed how perfectionism is a type of counterfeit to actual perfection. Since perfection isn’t actually attainable in this life, we wonder why so many of us still try so hard to achieve it.

            As I have researched the topic of perfectionism, I have been reminded that most strengths, if taken to an extreme, can become a weakness. If perfectionism harms relationships or disrupts normal life functioning, then that’s the line between adaptive (healthy) and maladaptive or toxic (unhealthy) perfectionism. I have worked with several mental health professionals since I returned from my full-time mission in 1994. Over those twenty-five years, six psychologists, one psychiatrist, and two marriage and family therapists have been helpful in my efforts to overcome the negative effects of perfectionism, which have contributed to the depression and anxiety I’ve experienced for most of my life. Three phrases I learned during therapy sessions have helped most with easing the pressure of perfectionism in my own life. One phrase focuses my attention from “all or nothing” to “small or something.” A second phrase I repeat often is “practice makes progress,” instead of “practice makes perfect.” A third phrase reminds me that each person “needs to work with the brain they have.” In my research, I have discovered several related key methods for easing the pressure of perfectionism in women. I will discuss these in the following post.

P.S. I posted that without any angst this time. Progress!

Self-reflection and Perfectionism: part 1

Posting on this blog has been a stressful and unsettling experience for me. I think that stems from my lack of self-confidence and lack of experience, which stirs up my lingering perfectionism. I'm not sure how to write a "good" blog post and I'm especially not sure how to write a book. 

My husband wonders why I am doing it. For now, it's because several people have encouraged me to write a book and this blog is a baby step in that direction. A second reason is to practice pushing through these unsettling feelings and gain more control over my perfectionistic tendencies. (It may also be that I need to save my emotional energy for being a babysitting grandma in the very near future.)

I took a picture of the cover of a classmate's journal a few months ago and I cropped it down to this statement earlier this morning. With that background, here is the next section of my research paper from English 2010:

            Many academic journal articles explain the differences between adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism. “Adaptive perfectionism is related to setting high goals for oneself” and striving for achievement in a positive way (Steffen 946). People higher in this type of perfectionism “report higher life satisfaction . . . less depression and anxiety, and higher active coping and psychological flexibility” (947). This type of perfectionist also experiences more self-acceptance when they fail to reach their high standards (Alan and Wang 258). In contrast, “Maladaptive perfectionism . . . is related to setting unrealistically high standards and high levels of self-criticism and self-doubt” (Steffen 946). People higher in this type of perfectionism “report lower life satisfaction . . . higher depression and anxiety, and higher avoidant coping and psychological inflexibility” (947). 

            In their academic journal article, Alan and Wang specifically addressed the relatively homogeneous religious culture of Utah County. In addition to adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism, they defined scrupulosity as a type of obsessive-compulsive way people engage in excessive religious behaviors (258). Although perfectionism and scrupulosity are different, there is a potential overlap. Maladaptive perfectionism causes a person to never feel good enough, which can lead to scrupulosity, with an excessive focus on what the person perceives as their sins (258). Their study also suggested this could lead to a pattern of living the religion out of fear, rather than approaching it from faith (258). Learning to be less psychologically rigid and practicing faith with more flexibility can increase overall well-being (258). This can also help to ease the pressure of perfectionism.

            According to Patrick Steffen, adaptive perfectionism is also correlated with intrinsic religious worship, which is accompanied by increased life satisfaction (947). Conversely, maladaptive perfectionism is correlated with extrinsic religious worship, which is accompanied by decreased life satisfaction (947). However, when the negative effects of maladaptive perfectionism are reduced, people find more positive life satisfaction in both intrinsic and extrinsic religious worship (947). To generalize the results of his study, another way to ease the pressure of perfectionism in women is learning to separate intrinsic worth from extrinsic religious worship.

            In 2013, UVU professor Kris Doty-Yells conducted a qualitative research study on perfectionism (Devlin). She described the negative aspects of perfectionism as being toxic. She explained that toxic perfectionists judge themselves by impossible standards to look, do, and be perfect (Devlin). This is a common theme among women in Utah County and specifically in members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It often translates into unrealistic expectations of always having clean and orderly homes, well-behaved children, happy marriages, and lives filled with service in church and community settings (Devlin). This lifestyle of focusing only on success, while avoiding failure, isn’t sustainable and often leads to unhappiness and feelings of inadequacy (Devlin).

            Dr. Brené Brown is a researcher who has written several books on the topics of perfectionism, shame, and vulnerability. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she explained:

Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety . . . and life-paralysis. Life paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out into the world that could be imperfect. It’s also all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. (56)

She concluded, “It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist” because “your self-worth is on the line” (56).

            In his book, Feeling Good, Dr. David D. Burns adds to that description of perfectionism: “You defeat yourself with inappropriate goals and standards. You will settle for nothing short of a magnificent performance in anything you do, so you frequently end up having to settle for just that—nothing” (90). He shared an experience from a female client who “spent her days in bed” and felt she had failed her children because she didn’t intervene in their lives (93). That sounded very much like the three years between 2008 and 2010 when I experienced a paralyzing crisis with depression and anxiety after both of our children were in school. I spent most of that time on my laptop because I couldn’t deal with my life. I now realize that it was probably because I couldn’t live up to the expectations I set for myself as a mother, wife, and LDS church member in this culture of toxic perfectionism. Jan Devlin explained:

Self-evaluation can be a good thing when it helps us to move towards a goal. However, there is a vast difference between, “I need to spend more time with my family” and “I’m a terrible mother.” Excessive self-criticism backfires because it leads us to focus on our so-called failures instead of the simple ways that we could progress. (Wasatch Family Therapy)

            Jody Moore is a very influential life coach who specializes in helping LDS women with their struggles. An episode of her podcast contained a helpful summary of perfectionism. She explained:  

Perfectionism is not the same as doing your very best. It is not the same as striving for more and better. Instead, it is a means by which we deprive ourselves of feelings of satisfaction, fulfillment and pride. Rather than having a realistic gauge of what is good and complete, we fixate on what is missing or wrong and it can impact so many areas of our lives. (29 Jan. 2016)

Graduation and Perfectionism: introduction

I graduated with an associate degree from Utah Valley University this month!

I returned to college when our daughter started attending UVU in Fall 2015. I was able to transfer 7.66 credits from a quarter at Weber State University in Fall 1990 and 3 credits from a semester at Brigham Young University in Fall 1992. I took the rest of the required classes off and on for the past four years. I'm very grateful to finally be finished with this chapter of my life.

The last class I took was English 2010. It was the class I had dreaded and put off during my entire college experience. However, it was the perfect way to end my degree. This was my professor's final comment on my research paper: 

Wendi, this is credible, warm, intelligent and compassionate writing. I’ve made a couple of minimal editing suggestions, but my larger recommendation is this: let it sit for a few weeks, circle back, tweak a bit for another audience and then get this up on your blog, or consider submitting it to a more public venue at some point. People need to read this. It didn’t hurt ME at all to re-ground my thinking this week – I needed your words, and the interpretive wisdom from a writer with very real, very human experience.

That comment is what inspired me to start this blog. I have struggled to know how much to share in a public space about my religious beliefs, family dynamics, and personal experiences. So I thought this was the best place to begin. 

Perfectionism

            I am the oldest of five children and felt pressure to set a good example for my younger siblings. I also felt pressure to succeed in school. The high expectations of my parents, combined with my own high expectations, developed a drive in me to never settle for anything other than an A on my assignments and tests. In addition, I was born into a family that actively participates in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and was baptized into the religion by my dad when I was eight years old. My parents served in many leadership callings at church, which seemed even more prominent where I grew up (in Tallahassee, Florida and Longmont, Colorado). My dad also worked for the Church Education System and, later, became a religion professor at Brigham Young University after I graduated from high school. Because of that combination of circumstances, I felt pressure to live the gospel “perfectly,” along with setting a good example for others who may be watching our family.

            As I grew up, these different threads of my life were woven together into a tapestry of perfectionism. This perfectionism was characterized by the pressure to constantly succeed, which often led to fear of failure, lack of sleep, and health issues. Whenever I wasn’t able to live up to my perfectionistic standards, I felt deeply disappointed in myself. Because life became increasingly complicated as I grew into adulthood, this disappointment often led to times of anxiety and depression. As I married and had children, the pressures from perfectionism permeated my experiences as a wife, mother, and homemaker as well. I have lived in Orem, Utah for the majority of my adult life and I have noticed that many women in Utah County struggle with similar issues of perfectionism. In this paper, I will discuss different aspects of perfectionism and will propose key methods for easing the pressure that accompanies it.

Part 1: Finding Balance

            Life often feels like a roller coaster with its slow climbs and fast drops. We dread Mondays and can’t wait until Fridays. Summer feels too hot and winter feels too cold. Road construction seems to be ongoing with the accompanying bumps and detours and unexpected waits.
            Being human is also unpredictable. We “get up on the wrong side of the bed” and everything seems to go wrong for no obvious reason. Or we have a “bad hair day,” which is not only a bad day, but one that is characterized by our hair being particularly unmanageable. There is also an “ebb and flow” in our relationships and just when we figure out a new way of approaching them, the dynamic changes again.
            Sometimes when life feels especially difficult, it’s as if a rug has been unexpectedly pulled out from under us. We flail our arms so we don’t completely lose our balance, but occasionally we do fall down on our back side. This momentarily knocks the wind out of us and causes us to look around and wonder how or why it happened. Or maybe we’re experiencing a type of storm in our lives with rain pouring down and the wind threatening to blow us over. During those difficult times, it may feel as if the ocean waves crash over us faster than we can prepare for or recover from. It feels increasingly difficult to catch our breath and our muscles feel weak from trying to stay afloat. Then, when we do survive, we worry about when “the other shoe will drop.”
            Does any of that sound familiar? Many of those phrases are clichés, but there is a reason they are used so often. We are all in this human plight together. We can learn to “enjoy the journey” or cause unnecessary pain for ourselves and others by complaining that it’s not fair. We can easily fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others and believing the “grass is greener on the other side.” The truth is, the grass is actually greener where you water it.
            I returned to college four years ago and three words have repeatedly caught my attention: homeostasis, equilibrium, and resilience. Homeostasis is defined as the tendency toward a relatively stable equilibrium between interdependent elements, especially as maintained by physiological processes. Equilibrium is defined as a state in which opposing forces or influences are balanced. Resilience is defined as the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape.
            I especially appreciate a second definition of resilience: the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. This is sometimes called emotional toughness, flexibility, or adaptability. It’s basically the ability to pick yourself up after you fall or to bounce back after you’ve survived a difficult experience. In addition, steadiness and stability are synonyms for equilibrium.
            I often wish I had developed a little more flexibility, adaptability, and steadiness over my lifetime. The first section of my book will be about learning to develop those skills.

Introduction

I chose the title of this blog partially because my first name is Wendi. So the word "wend" is basically my name, minus the last letter. :)

I also chose this phrase because I feel that life is a journey and I would like to use this blog as a place to chronicle my progress.

Earlier in my journey, I spent much of my time walking and visiting with women throughout Utah County. At one point, I created cards with the phrase "Walking with Wendi" on them.

Here is a picture of me wearing my favorite walking shoes on the front with part of the text on the back:

They aren't business cards. They are just "what I do" cards. I handed them out to friends as a reminder of my commitment to walking and talking with women.

I have experienced depression and anxiety off and on for most of my life. I was also diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in January 2013. Walking has helped me deal with those health issues in a productive way over the past nine years.

I have also spent the last four years taking classes off and on at Utah Valley University. I will finish my associate degree within the next month and then I will begin the next phase of my journey.

Our daughter is having a baby and her due date is in mid-January. This will be our first grandchild and I will babysit him while his mom finishes her degree at UVU over the next couple of years.

I have been encouraged by many people over the past few years to write a book about my experiences. That feels like a daunting, almost insurmountable, task. So I thought I would practice by posting some of my writing on this blog.