Writer's block

I am having a difficult time moving forward on the last third of my book. (I have written 24 short chapters and have roughly 15 to go.) 

So, I went back and added content to the previous two chapters on connection and vulnerability. I also rearranged and polished the paragraphs on connection. In addition, I added some links to those posts and a couple more links to the glossary of terms on the sidebar. 

I am trying not to allow myself to be discouraged, but it's been a struggle today. I want to stay true to the table of contents that I felt inspired to create last year at this time. However, I don't have as much practice writing about the events in the last two sections. 

I have also been confused about what to include in the chapter on authenticity, since it overlaps so much with the information in the chapters on connection and vulnerability. I'm leaning toward writing about what I've learned about overcoming perfectionism in that chapter. I just need to get some content written, so hopefully that will be enough to get my brain unstuck again.

After that, I need to focus on the two chapters where I share experiences about specific people I met during my visiting journey. I don't think I should use their actual names, so I'm trying to figure out how to handle that. I think I just need some uninterrupted time to string those experiences and memories together. 

Finally, I have no idea what the title should be. If it just ends up being my personal history, then that's not an issue. However, if I ever did try to publish it, that small detail is actually a big deal. 

That's too far in the future to worry about, though. I just need to deal with tomorrow. 

Chapter 16: Connection is Critical

* I have pieced this together several different ways and I still think the paragraphs need polishing. I'm going to come back to it with fresh eyes another time. (I added more content and rearranged several more sentences on July 28, 2020.)

            The final missing link for me was connection with the people around me. I never fully realized that because of the social anxiety I felt for so many years. However, being with people has made all the difference. Dr. Brené Brown is a famous researcher, author, and speaker who has studied connection and empathy for many years. I learned from her that connection is what gives meaning and purpose to our lives. 

            The original prompting to “know more people in the stake” happened on the evening of September 4, 2013. God went big with that prompting. He didn’t tell me who I should know, so I figured I just needed to try to know everyone. I started with women in my ward (church congregation) and neighborhood. Then, I gradually branched out to the other wards in our stake (since that was the word used in my prompting). I continued to receive promptings and, as I acted each time, I was gradually able to face and overcome my fears. Visiting with women helped me to regularly challenge my social anxiety and I began to focus on problems and struggles outside of my own. When I knew more about the women, I could begin to love and serve them. Plus, I learned something from every person I spent time with and that helped me to continue to progress. As I practiced visiting, my courage and capacity increased. God knows how to do His work and miracles occurred during the time I spent with several women.

            People sometimes wonder how I decided who to visit. At first, I just tried to act on any opportunity to talk with people, since each conversation helped me to more fully face my fears. Then I began interacting with people in a much more deliberate way. It started with making a goal to meet as many women as I could before and after stake activities. As I developed more courage, I looked over ward lists and called or emailed women whose names stood out to me to see if they would let me visit them. Sometimes, I would just knock on doors of the houses I felt drawn to while I was out walking each day. Occasionally, the women I visited would give me a name of another woman that would benefit from a visit. At one point, I was strongly inspired to visit all the Relief Society presidents and bishop’s wives in the stake as well. I also spoke directly to several of the bishops to find out the needs of the women in their wards. Three of the bishops gave me a name of a woman in their ward who struggled with depression. At first, many of the women thought I was selling something, but they were pleasantly surprised when that never came up in our visits. 

            A few months into the visiting, I realized that I was supposed to consider this as an unofficial full-time mission, so I visited for several hours on most days for 23 months. (I had two surgeries during that time, so I wanted to make sure I gave the Lord the full 18 months.) I wanted to show God how I would have served with my whole heart on my actual full-time mission in 1993 and 1994 if I hadn’t been so depressed and anxious for most of that time. I continued to visit on a more casual level for several years after that as well. I ended up visiting approximately 500 women in our stake and I eventually stretched myself even more to visit old friends. My visiting journey took me all over the Wasatch Front of north-central Utah (as far as Payson in the south, to Saratoga Springs and Eagle Mountain in the west, and as far as Layton in the north). The whole process was Spirit-led and I really didn't have my own agenda. 

            Visiting gave me opportunities to learn how to develop close friendships and to help other women who also struggle with emotional or physical challenges. I am so grateful for the lasting friendships I developed with several of the women in my neighborhood. I learned from Brené Brown that connection is a result of being authentic. In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to really be seen. Because of our close connection, we shared very important and personal details about our lives with each other, which helped us feel validated, encouraged, and loved. These friends have helped me through many challenges and I've been grateful for the chance to support them in some of their challenges as well.         

            During my visiting journey, I decided I would try to be “the friend of the friendless.” That way, they would each have a friend and I would have more friends as well. Learning to visit helped me take the focus off myself and my own struggles. My perspective gradually switched to other people and how I could help them. Most of the women I was prompted to visit needed what I had to offer and I even started walking or visiting regularly with a few who struggled with depression. They knew they could trust me because I was able to show them empathy from my similar experiences. I learned from Brené Brown that empathy fuels connection. It is being willing to recognize another person’s perspective. It is staying out of judgment. It is recognizing emotion in other people and then communicating that. Empathy is feeling with people. It is expressing that you know what it feels like to be overwhelmed and that they are not alone. As time went on, I gradually learned that I didn’t have to be at the same level of friendship with everyone, which was an important distinction for me to understand. 

            Later, I was asked on several different occasions how I coped with feeling overwhelmed, used, or burned out in the process of trying to help people with ongoing difficult struggles. I have compiled a few of my answers that continue to be a good reference for me. The main answer is that Jesus is the only One with the power to save us. Our part is to turn our lives over to Him and to point those we love and are concerned about toward Him. Sometimes, our wells may feel like they are empty while we are giving all we can and trying to help people who need a lot of attention. The best way I have learned to handle that is to always pray for them and then turn the situation over to God after we have done all we are able to do each day. If we focus on building and strengthening them, they will be more able to overcome their own challenges with God’s help. During the whole process, it is really important to love people right where they are. This also includes ourselves! We need to learn to see the good in others while we are trying to help them overcome bad habits or challenges and reach the potential they may not even see yet.         

            As I went along, I realized “there are several ways up a mountain” and I needed to find different ways to reach the women I hoped to visit. I needed to learn to trust my instincts and be willing to accept rejection. I gradually learned to be “thick skinned” and vulnerable at the same time. I had to be okay with most of the women not wanting me to come back for a second visit. (I visited approximately 500 women, but I visited many of those women more than once. I ended up visiting the ones who needed the most help several times.) Some visits were very uncomfortable and I often stumbled over my words. To this day, I’m not sure why I was supposed to visit a few of the women. During those particular visits, I reminded myself that there will never be a time when it is okay to not be kind. This also applies to challenging relationships with a family member or someone we are trying to help in general. God can help us find the balance of maintaining boundaries and being assertive, while still being kind and loving. We may need to reevaluate occasionally how we can be less rigid or judgemental in our interactions with other people. If there are differences in religious belief, it’s important to remember not to dilute doctrine, but we can always soften the way we interact with people.

            In summary, I was still very anxious in the beginning. At first, it was all about me – until I figured out what I needed to do. I used to not understand how I could serve people because I don’t cook, sew, or have other obvious talents. However, God gradually showed me what I could do as I continued visiting and He gave me the confidence to stretch out of my comfort zone to do it. I learned to look beyond my own needs and made myself vulnerable in the process. Occasionally, the anxiety would overwhelm me again and I had to remind myself why I was visiting in the first place. The original prompting continued to build my confidence, though, and I knew it wasn’t about me anymore. This journey changed my life in significant ways and I will never be the same. Instead of hiding, I learned to look outward. I truly found myself as I lost myself in loving and serving other people. 

Chapter 23: Daring to Be Vulnerable

* I added some content to the last paragraph on July 28, 2020.

            Pam Hansen is the author of Running with Angels: The Inspiring Journey of a Woman Who Turned Personal Tragedy into Triumph Over Obesity (2005). It took courage and vulnerability to share her story in such an honest and open way. As a result, she has helped and inspired many other people struggling with their own tragedies and weight loss journeys. We used to live in the same neighborhood as Pam’s family and I feel like we have a common thread in our stories. She was very depressed and went out for a walk one day in spring 2001. That one walk turned into many walks. Those walks eventually resulted in her losing 100 pounds in one year, completing three marathons, and founding the annual Running with Angels 5K run/walk in 2005. In a similar way, I was also very depressed with a different set of struggles and went out for a walk one day in 2011. That one walk turned into many walks. Those walks eventually resulted in me losing 46 pounds in 15 months, learning to deal with mental and physical challenges in a healthier way, and visiting approximately 500 women beginning in fall 2013.

            Pam also wrote Finding the Angel Within: Spirituality,Body Image, and Self-Worth (2008). When I visited her in 2014, she gave me an autographed copy as a gift. I appreciated her thoughtfulness during that visit. I have also been grateful for the kindness and love she has continued to show me. We went out for a healthy treat so we could visit one other time. During that visit, she gave me the gift of Liquid Sunshine in a pump soap from Bath and Body Works. That was the perfect gift, since her cheerful smile and sincere hugs have brightened several of my days during the time I’ve known her.

            In 2015, I walked in the Running with Angels 5K at Thanksgiving Point Gardens with a friend who was also trying to overcome her own challenges with mental illness and obesity. On page 57 of her first book, Pam wrote, “Change takes place one step at a time.” That is a main theme in my book as well. Writing is very difficult for me and I admire her ability to write two inspirational books in such a skillful and uplifting way. Her willingness to be vulnerable has blessed my life and I want to continue trying to follow her good example.

            I am grateful for the research and writing of Dr. Brené Brown. She is a famous researcher, author, and speaker who focuses much of her work on understanding the interplay between vulnerability, shame, and perfectionism. I will briefly summarize what I’ve learned from her about vulnerability and connection. In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to really be seen. We need to be willing to let go of what we think we should be in order to be who we really are. We need to learn to embrace vulnerability and understand that vulnerability is not weakness. In the introduction of her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown encouraged women to “wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough” (1). Also, while “going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging’” (1).

            A good friend recently reminded me about this talk by Joy D. Jones. “Let me point out the need to differentiate between two critical words: worth and worthiness. They are not the same. Spiritual worth means to value ourselves the way Heavenly Father values us, not as the world values us. Our worth was determined before we ever came to this earth…. On the other hand, worthiness is achieved through obedience. If we sin, we are less worthy, but we are never worth less! We continue to … strive to be like Jesus with our worth intact.”
            She continued, “Despite this marvelous truth, how many of us struggle, from time to time, with negative thoughts or feelings about ourselves? I do. It’s an easy trap. … Thinking small about ourselves does not serve us well. Instead it holds us back. As we’ve often been taught, ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ We can stop comparing our worst to someone else’s best. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy.’ In contrast, the Lord assures us that when we have virtuous thoughts, He will bless us with confidence, even the confidence to know who we really are. …We may seldom, if ever, receive huge spiritual manifestations in our lives; but we can frequently savor the sweet whisperings of the Holy Ghost verifying the truth of our spiritual worth… If the love we feel for the Savior and what He did for us is greater than the energy we give to weaknesses, self-doubts, or bad habits, then He will help us overcome the things which cause suffering in our lives. He saves us from ourselves…. If we choose to focus on our negative thoughts and doubt our worth instead of clinging to the Savior, it becomes more difficult to feel the impressions of the Holy Ghost…. Let’s not be confused about who we are! While it is often easier to be spiritually passive than it is to put forth the spiritual effort to remember and embrace our divine identity, we cannot afford that indulgence … As the Savior lifts us to higher ground, we can see more clearly not only who we are but also that we are closer to Him than we ever imagined” (“Value Beyond Measure,” Ensign, Nov. 2017).

            I recently listened to a podcast by my friend, who is also a life coach. I was reminded again that it's okay to not know how to do something, to do it wrong, and to make mistakes. Failing is actually the best way to eventually succeed. Learning to own everything about ourselves and being willing to go through life with our flaws and humanity showing is at the core of vulnerability. These important questions were asked: “What if our value was untouched by our humanness? What if we seriously believed that?” We can be flawed and still be worthy of love and acceptance (“Vulnerability,” Pivot Parenting, 28 July 2020). I have been taught these concepts my whole life, but the way she phrased those questions was very helpful to me. When we clearly remember who we are, it gives us confidence to be our true selves. When we are willing to connect with others in a real, authentic, and vulnerable way, it allows them to see us. As we dare to be vulnerable and open in this way, it will help others have the courage to do the same. That is how our hearts can become “knit together in unity and in love one towards another” (see Mosiah 18:21). We actually need to know what is in each other’s hearts for that miracle to happen.           

Chapter 20: Observe and Serve

* It took me all day to piece this post together. I was very discouraged, but I'm grateful that I was able to push through it.

            Linda K. Burton gave this helpful counsel, “For some, serving or ministering one by one, following the Savior’s example, doesn’t come easily. But with practice, each of us can become more like the Savior as we serve God’s children. To help us better love one another, I would like to suggest four words to remember: ‘First observe, then serve’” (“First Observe, Then Serve,” Ensign, Nov. 2012). I learned a lot about that from the first two homes I was inspired to visit. My first visit was to a woman in her 80s. Her husband died many years ago and she wasn’t able to drive anymore. I had already developed the habit of attending the temple weekly over the previous two years, so I took her to the temple almost every week between September 2013 and November 2015. I really appreciated the opportunity to serve her in that way. 

                The second visit was to a woman about my age. I had communicated with her previously by email, but had never been in her home. During our initial visit, I learned that she, her husband, and their children had many struggles in several areas – physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, and social. Her mom lived there too and I ended up visiting them almost every day for over a year. They helped me to develop the confidence I needed to continue visiting many other women. Since I was in their home so often, I learned how to observe what needed to be done and then I would choose one task and try to do it. I don’t have very many talents or skills, but one thing I could do was take out their garbage. So I did that almost every time I went over. I also swept the floor in their front room and did their dishes a few times. I raked up all their leaves once and mowed their lawn another time. Occasionally, I drove my friend to the store and, sometimes, I contributed money to help them buy their groceries. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to make much of a difference overall, but it showed her that I really cared and wanted to help where I could. During that process, I learned the concept of "practice makes better."

                After a few months of visiting them, my friend's mom decided to renew her temple recommend. Then she started attending the temple with me and the other older woman almost every week. After a while, she began working on her family history again. Since she was baptized as a young adult, she was the only member of the church in her extended family. So there was a lot of work to be done and I began helping her with it when we would attend the temple each week. One general lesson I learned from that experience is that, in the beginning, I was probably enabling them to continue in their old habits, even though that wasn't my intention. I also learned that I couldn't fix their problems for them, no matter how hard I tried. However, as I spent more time with them, I started to realize that my friend's mom was becoming stronger because of her time in the temple. She was able to make some improvements in her own life and I believe that started to have a positive effect on others in the home. She was able to take some positive steps once the Lord helped me to get the ball rolling.   

            There is a verse in The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ that provides some additional guidance about how to serve. “…Impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath, such as feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally, according to their wants” (Mosiah 4:26). Two phrases stand out to me in that verse. First, we can’t give what we don’t have. Therefore, it's important to do all we can to build up a surplus of physical energy, spirituality, and financial savings. This occurs gradually like drops in a bucket. Focusing on steadily building up these reserves is helpful in our own lives, but it also allows us to share our blessings with others. If we don’t have financial reserves, we can regularly declutter the excess “stuff” in our lives and donate it to people who need it more than we do. Second, sometimes we don’t think about serving people according to their wants. However, I believe that’s more like the way WE would want to be served. When people begin to feel more comfortable in their difficult circumstances, our love will probably be felt in a much deeper way than if we only focused on the bare minimum need. Conversely, we may attend to someone’s surface wants and discover, in the process, the core need they aren’t broadcasting. When we are in tune spiritually, those needs often become more apparent. 

                Spencer W. Kimball explained, “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other … In the Doctrine and Covenants we read about how important it is to '… succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees' (D&C 81:5). So often, our acts of service consist of simple encouragement or of giving mundane help with mundane tasks, but what glorious consequences can flow from mundane acts and from small but deliberate deeds” (“Small Acts of Service,” Ensign, Dec. 1974). 

           Jesus "went about doing good" (Acts 10:38) and we can too, in both small and big ways. Doctrine and Covenants 58:27-28 gives some additional insight, “…Men (and women) should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them…” There is no greater cause than to reach out in love to others. One of the ways to increase that power is to practice observing the needs around us. M. Russell Ballard explained, “Great things are brought about and burdens are lightened through the efforts of many hands ‘anxiously engaged in a good cause.’… There is one simple daily practice that can make a difference… In your morning prayer each new day, ask Heavenly Father to guide you to recognize an opportunity to serve one of His precious children. Then go throughout the day with your heart full of faith and love, looking for someone to help…. If you do this, your spiritual sensitivities will be enlarged and you will discover opportunities to serve that you never before realized were possible” (“Be Anxiously Engaged,” Ensign, Nov. 2012).

            I once taught a lesson to the women in our church congregation and several phrases stood out to me. “The thoughtful little things of life” add up. “These acts of kindness were not isolated occurrences but part of a lifelong pattern.” When we remember that “God is our Father, and that we are his children, and that all men are brothers and sisters in the same eternal family,” we can pray for a greater “desire to love and bless” those around us. “I think if all men knew and understood who they are, and were aware of the divine source from whence they came, … they would have feelings of kindness... for each other that would change their whole way of living and bring peace on earth” (“Love and Concern for All of God’s Children,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Fielding Smith, p. 254). The two great commandments, to love God and to love our neighbors as ourselves, build on each other (See Matthew 22:37-40). Learning to love ourselves is part of building up the surplus I was referring to earlier. The more we love God, the easier it is to learn to love ourselves. When we love ourselves, we have more confidence and desire to reach out to others in love and kindness.  And we love and serve others, we are showing God how much we love Him.

             Jesus taught us to leave the 99 to go after the one who is in need of spiritual or physical help. It seems to me that we all take turns being the one. We all need saving. We really do need each other. Living these two great commandments and following the Savior’s example of love may seem difficult or overwhelming to us. However, it is really the simplest way to think about the gospel as a whole. I love this picture of loving hands. 

We can wipe a tear, hold a hand, give a pat of encouragement, or lift someone up with our hands. If we are trying to act as hands on earth for Heavenly Father and Jesus to work through, we are truly living the gospel.

Chapter 21: Leaving the Comfort Zone

            When I made the decision to start visiting women, I needed to be willing to leave my comfort zone. Abigail Brenner, M.D. explains some of the “benefits of stepping out of your comfort zone…Taking risks, regardless of their outcome, are growth experiences. Even if you make mistakes or don’t get it right the first time those become experiences you can tap into in the future. There really is no such thing as ‘fail’ if you get something out of the experience. And just so you know, ‘FAIL’ re-framed means ‘First Attempt in Learning.’ Don’t settle for the mediocre just to avoid stepping out of your comfort zone; it’s too big a price to pay. Your challenges and risk experiences are cumulative. Every time you try something new, and allow yourself to be open to whatever experience arises, you are learning, and expanding your repertoire of life skills and self-knowledge. As you do this you also expand the size of your comfort zone. Leaving your comfort zone ultimately helps you to deal with change—and making change in a much better way. Life transitions are all about change. Each time you transition you move to another level. Inevitably, these life transitions transform you” (“5 Benefits of Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone,” Psychology Today, 27 Dec. 2015).

            The Bible story of Peter walking on the water to Christ is a good example of leaving the comfort zone. “And when the disciples saw (Jesus) walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear. But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid. And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him” (Matthew 14:26-31).

  

            A missionary in the addiction recovery program gave this picture to me after we went on a walk together. I appreciate how it makes the story more personal for me. We sometimes talk about how Peter lost faith because he focused on the wind and the waves. However, the point I want to emphasize is that Peter had the courage to leave the safety of the boat. He was willing to go outside of his comfort zone… and then he actually took some steps on the water! It doesn’t really matter how many steps he took or that he eventually started to sink. The point is that he tried and succeeded in his attempt.

            Abigail Brenner continues, “It may seem overwhelming to step into the unknown. But instead of thinking of the ‘big picture,’ break down what you want or need to accomplish by making small changes. Small changes accumulate and each builds upon the last. Try to make small changes that take you out of the everyday and familiar, yet are not too emotionally challenging…. My takeaway: I have within myself the ability to make big change. I did it once. I can do it again. You can, too.” (“5 Benefits of Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone,” Psychology Today, 27 Dec. 2015). This is wise counsel.

            Daring to do something different takes courage. But we can learn to be brave. My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, co-wrote a song with Scott Wiley titled “Brave” (on her 2013 CD, Say Love). It became my theme song during my visiting journey. I share the lyrics with Hilary’s permission.

There are moments when you feel it and you know

Something amazing is happening within your soul

And nothing can hold back what’s inside you

Let it move you, let it lead your heart

Don’t be afraid to let yourself believe in who you are

‘Cause today you’re gonna be

Brave

You are brave

Let your brave come through

Let it define you

You are meant to be brave

Get your shoes, grab your courage, open the door

You’re about to see a you you’ve never seen before

And Heaven will be there beside you

In the moments when the walls seem away too high

Trust your instincts, breathe, then start to climb

‘Cause you have always been…

Brave when you think you can’t

Strong when you have fallen…

Bold enough to stand and be

Brave…

            I believe we need to give ourselves credit for even the smallest baby step in the right direction. We need to acknowledge the progress we make in all areas of our life, including reaching out to others in love. Then if we make mistakes or feel like we have failed, the Savior will reach down and help us up. We have never truly failed if we continue to get up and try again. When we show our willingness to stretch ourselves, I believe Heavenly Father honors our intentions. As we ask in faith, I believe He gives us opportunities to practice. With His help, we can each do great things…and they usually require us to leave our comfort zone. 

Part 3: Reaching Out to Others With Love

* Last night, I printed out what I have written so far. I was so surprised to find that I have written approximately 65 double spaced pages now. I'm very grateful for the inspiration and obvious help I've been given as I have attempted to write. Writing is very difficult for me, but it has flowed much easier this time around, which has been such a relief. So, I'm just going to continue posting what I write each day. When I have a complete draft, I will then go back and try to make additional improvements. 

(I revisited this post on August 15, 2020 to add the song lyrics and content at the end.) 

            As I’ve mentioned in previous chapters, my husband told me he didn’t believe in August 2012. I had a hard time understanding and reconciling that for the following months. Then I became very depressed again in April 2013. However, I kept functioning. That’s how I knew it was a type of mourning, rather than clinical depression resurfacing. One evening, I prayed to know what more I could do to move past this feeling of sadness and loss – because I sincerely didn’t want to feel any kind of adversarial feelings toward my husband. I distinctly heard the words in my head, “you need to know more people in the stake.” (A stake is several congregations within a geographic area.) That seemed like an odd thought on several levels – and I knew it hadn’t come from me.

            At that point, I was still just walking to destinations. I had very limited social interaction and thought it would have been more reasonable to just know more people in my cul-de-sac or neighborhood.  However, I knew what I heard, so I tried to figure out how to proceed. As I worked to follow that prompting, the evidence for it grew. At first, I thought that I was continuing to overcome my social anxiety and depression through visiting people. And that was true. But it became more and more clear as time went on that one of the reasons was to find the individual friends I needed to help me through current and future challenges. I would later understand that the Lord would also be able to help those friends through me. I will share specific examples of this in the following chapters.

            In April 1992, about a year prior to my official missionary service, Marvin J. Ashton gave some wise counsel that has influenced me throughout my life. He began, “Real charity is not something you give away; it is something that you acquire and make a part of yourself. And when the virtue of charity becomes implanted in your heart, you are never the same again.” He then gave a description that has been helpful to me ever since. “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.” That quote was taped to the wall next to my bed during the entire 18 months of my full-time mission.

            He continued, “ None of us need one more person... pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends…. brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we're trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses.” He concluded, “The best and most clear indicator that we are progressing spiritually and coming unto Christ is the way we treat other people. ...Be one who nurtures and who builds. Be one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart, who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them” (“The Tongue Can be a Sharp Sword,” Ensign, May 1992).

            These are guiding principles I tried to follow when I reached out to people during my visiting journey and as I continue to interact with people in all areas of my life. I am also very grateful when people choose to treat me this way. It inspires me to continue improving as I attempt to reach out to others in love and kindness.

            My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a song called “Say Love” (on the CD also titled Say Love, 2013). I share the lyrics with her permission:

A picture might be worth a thousand words,

but a heart can be changed with one.

Lives are shaped and minds are changed

by what is said and what is not.

There’s a shortage in this world of “I believe in you’s”

and somebody, somewhere needs some.

So say love, only love…

We all give words away.

Doesn’t cost anyone a dime.

But everybody knows there’s a price to be paid

when the words are something less than kind.

So say love, only love…

I still remember every word that you said to me

when I was falling down…

How it lifted me up… How it lifted me…

So say love. 

You never know who might need it… Say love. 

            Even though those original visits are over, I want to always reach out to others in love and friendship. I hope it will be my way of life forever. I try to remind myself that the original mission of the church was to “strengthen the saints, proclaim the gospel, redeem the dead, and care for the poor and the needy.”  Now, we often talk about how important it is to “hasten the work of salvation.”  For me, that means I can just increase my efforts in any of those areas in small and simple ways each day. Which basically just translates to reaching out to others in love.  

Progress

I updated chapters 12 and 19 this afternoon. I also looked up some quotes for future chapters and posted some links on the side bar.

Clicking on the picture of the book takes you to the table of contents. Clicking on the picture of my Walking with Wendi card takes you back to the introduction.

In addition, I added a glossary of terms with links (just above the post archives toward the bottom of the blog), so I don't have to continually explain the religious references with those who aren't familiar with them. I hope that will be helpful.

Chapter 12: Dealing with Disappointment

* I wrote these experiences down without much proof-reading. I will revisit this post tomorrow. (I made a few corrections and added a quote in the middle on July 23, 2020.)

            Most healthy marriages have some good times and some bad times, some happiness and some heartache, some adventure and some disappointment. I will always be grateful to my husband, John, for choosing me to be his wife in the first place and for continuing to see the good in me 25 years later. He has been consistently patient, loving, kind, and empathetic through all my years of struggle with mental illness and other health challenges. I will be forever grateful that I made the decision to marry him also. I have tried to be as patient and loving toward him as he has been with me, but I still have a long way to go and I learn a lot from him as we continue our life together.

            I will briefly share our story again with a few extra details. We met in 1993, while serving as full-time missionaries for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the Pennsylvania Philadelphia Mission. We discovered that our parents live about five blocks away from each other in Orem, but we never met each other prior to my first area in the mission field. We served in some of the same areas and knew many of the same missionaries and members, but we never actually served near each other during our missions. He was the assistant to the mission president during the final two months of our mission in 1994 and discreetly arranged to have our seats assigned next to each other on the flight back to Utah, since we went home on the same transfer. We even have pictures where we are hugging our individual families in the background of each other’s pictures at the airport. We started dating soon after returning home and ended up getting married in the Bountiful Utah Temple almost exactly a year later in 1995.

            John was very busy working full-time and attending school full-time at Utah Valley State College for the first three years of our marriage. I stopped working a few months after we were married because I had “all day” sickness during my pregnancy with our daughter. She was born nine months and six days after our wedding in 1996. Our son arrived a little less than three years later in 1999. Those were busy years for us and, occasionally, I noticed that John and I weren’t praying, reading the scriptures, or attending the temple together very often. I rationalized that it was just because he was so busy and I assumed he was praying and studying on his own, just like I had been. However, there were nagging doubts about that through the years that followed. My depression and anxiety became much more serious after our son was born and dealing with those complicated circumstances consumed most of our extra attention during the years between 1999 and 2010. During that time, I retreated to our bedroom much more often and John began to shoulder more of the household responsibilities. He also chose to start another company so that he could work from home and be more involved with raising the children.

            By fall 2010, I had completely withdrawn from life. My social anxiety had become so distressing that I rarely left the house and I didn’t even attend church, although I wished I could. John tried hard to be a loving and understanding father and husband through all of this and always took the children to church because he knew it would ease my feelings of guilt. During 2011 and 2012, we decided to change the type of anti-depressant I was taking one more time and then, later, increased the dosage as well. That change helped me to redevelop the habits of attending church and the temple, reading the scriptures, and contributing more to the care of our home and family.

            Unfortunately, in March 2012, my right hip, leg, and foot became inexplicably numb and tingly, so I had several MRIs and other procedures to figure out what was causing it. In addition, John finally told me in August 2012 that he didn’t believe in God or anything related to Him in our religion. He continued to attend church with the family, but it caused me a great deal of distress. However, I felt like he had been loyal to me during my difficult years of depression, so I was going to stay loyal to him with this new situation in our marriage. In January 2013, I was officially diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis after it was confirmed with a spinal tap. That was disappointing and unsettling news, but we were grateful to finally know what we were dealing with. John was very supportive and helped me with some of my Copaxone injections at home for the three years following my diagnosis.

            Those two life-changing events could have sent me spiraling back into my deep depression. However, I worked hard to be diligent with walking and continuing the other habits I had practiced in the previous two years. They became my anchor as I slowly grew more devastated about John’s unbelief in everything I held most sacred. Then, in September 2013, I had a strong impression that I needed to know more people in my ward (church congregation) and neighborhood. So I gradually started visiting women close to our home and then, as I gained more confidence, I gradually visited women in other congregations and neighborhoods also. I have now visited approximately 500 women and it has changed my life forever. I visited women on all parts of the faith spectrum, was able to help several other women who were suffering from depression, and developed some very close friendships. Through that process, I was gradually able to stop mourning about John’s change in beliefs and developed even more respect for the good person he still is. 

            Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke in the April 2015 General Conference and his words resonated with me. “Being grateful in our circumstances is an act of faith in God. It requires that we trust God and hope for things we may not see but which are true…. True gratitude is an expression of hope and testimony. It comes from acknowledging that we do not always understand the trials of life but trusting that one day we will. In any circumstance, our sense of gratitude is nourished by the many and sacred truths we do know: that our Father has given His children the great plan of happiness; that through the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ, we can live forever with our loved ones; that in the end, we will have glorious, perfect, and immortal bodies, unburdened by sickness or disability; and that our tears of sadness and loss will be replaced with an abundance of happiness and joy, ‘good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over.’… How blessed we are if we recognize God’s handiwork in the marvelous tapestry of life. Gratitude to our Father in Heaven broadens our perception and clears our vision. It inspires humility and fosters empathy toward our fellowmen and all of God’s creation.” (“Gratitude in Any Circumstances,” Ensign, May 2015).

            In fall 2015, I decided to go back to college when our daughter started attending UVU after her high school graduation. Then, in fall 2016, we decided to build a home with main-level living across town, since my MS symptoms were making it difficult for me to climb the stairs several times each day in our current home, which had a four-level-split floor plan. Making all those construction decisions, combined with the financial stress of having a mortgage again, brought more tension back into our marriage. Things improved once we moved into our new home in March 2017, but we started to grow apart again later that year. My schooling, combined with a few visits I still tried to make each week, kept me a little too busy. John has always been a very hard worker and sometimes his work schedule kept him extremely busy as well. I made the decision to withdraw from school in fall 2017, so that I could try to start writing this book. We also decided that marriage therapy was something we would finally be willing to try, since nothing else seemed to be working. Neither of us wanted to separate, but the silence and distance growing between us often made life feel very lonely for each of us, even though we were both still in the marriage.

            After ten therapy visits, we were feeling much closer. We started walking together while holding hands and occasionally went on other dates as well. Meanwhile, I was working on gathering information for my personal history, since writing this book quickly became a daunting task. That gradually turned into family history, which gradually increased my time in the temple exponentially. I also decided to go back to UVU in summer 2018 to finish my associate degree in behavioral science. In addition, I decided to attend a few classes at the UVU institute of religion to earn my diploma for that as well. The combination of all those activities gradually caused distance to creep in again. This time, there were more conflicted feelings surfacing within me because I was more invested in religious learning and worship than I had ever been before.

            Both of our adult children stopped believing in a similar way as their dad and that had been particularly difficult for me through the previous five years. Around the same time in 2018, our daughter started dating someone more seriously. Her dad allowed them to sleep together in her bedroom, but that was extremely difficult for me. I felt that he hadn’t given me a choice when he stopped believing, since he had already decided by the time he told me. I also didn’t feel like I was given a say in the matter with our daughter and her boyfriend. I understood that he was trying to do what was best for everyone involved, but it just triggered a lot of my previous conflicted feelings. That was a very low point in our marriage.

            In 2019, our daughter and her boyfriend told us on mother’s day that she was pregnant. I tried to be supportive, but knew we needed some more marriage therapy. This time, I asked John to choose the therapist and he decided on one who specialized in betrayal trauma. He hadn’t purposely betrayed me and I knew that, but on some level it still felt like a betrayal. Our daughter’s pregnancy added an additional dimension to that complicated swirl of emotion.

            I graduated with an associate degree in November 2019 and continued to immerse myself in family history and temple work. I felt a lot of peace when I was in the temple and I needed that with everything that was happening with our daughter. We continued marriage therapy and our daughter gave birth to a healthy baby boy in January 2020. She had an unforeseen c-section, which caused her to not be able to return immediately to college like she had planned. So we have spent the past seven months together with her sweet baby and it has been such a healing time. The pandemic ended up closing the temples and churches, which brought my full focus back home. Our marriage gradually began to heal again.  

            As I look back, our patterns have been very cyclical and I shoulder my share of the blame. I’m grateful that I have gradually become less rigid in general and have finally realized that I can’t micro-manage or manipulate John with my faith (even though that wasn’t my conscious intention). I’ve learned that we are each only in charge of ourselves and we can only improve or change in the ways that we are currently able to. We also share a great desire to make a positive difference in the lives of people around us and that is very fulfilling. So I now focus on that, instead of our differences in religious belief.  Life will always still be a mix of happiness and disappointment, but we have made it 25 years and that is a huge accomplishment. I’m planning for at least 25 more. 

Self-coaching reminders 3

I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get up for awhile and make two more Spark reminders for myself.

Chapter 11: Perfectionism vs. Perfection

            I feel very strongly that perfection-ism is not a part of the gospel and it causes us to lose hope. In Matthew 5:48, Jesus taught, “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” The footnote for that verse explains that perfect means “complete, finished, fully developed.” The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ contains an important clarification. In 3 Nephi 12:48, Jesus taught, “…I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect.” So Jesus wasn’t even considered perfect until after he fulfilled his mission on earth. Therefore, actual perfection is reserved for resurrected beings. So we can just permanently cross that off our worry list.

            We sometimes have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others that even Heavenly Father doesn’t have for us! If we can adjust our expectations from perfection to progress, this can give us a healthier perspective. Please remember that comparison robs us of happiness. Too often, we compare our weaknesses to other people’s perceived strengths. The actual lives of women and their families are not usually like they appear at church functions. It’s okay to be on your best behavior and be positive, but it would also help if we could all bring it down a level, so we all knew that other people are just as real as we are. It takes a lot of mental energy to pretend to be something we’re not. We need to allow a safe atmosphere for both introvert and extrovert personality types and every personality version in between. Personally, I now consider myself an “ambivert.” Sometimes, I recharge better alone (more like an introvert) and other times, I’m energized by spending time with other people (more like an extrovert). Perhaps, this is how most people are. This is a good reminder that black and white, all or nothing thinking (which is common with perfectionism) doesn’t serve us well. In addition, there is a difference between weaknesses and sin (see “It Isn’t a Sin to be Weak,” Ensign, April 2015). 

            We are each on a different journey in this life, so comparing ourselves to others isn’t helpful on any level. We can all try to be the best we personally can be – and that’s enough. If we’re realistic, “our best” is actually different every day, depending on: how much sleep we had the night before, the challenges we are having with our health, what our family members are doing that worry us, or (let’s be honest) where we are in our monthly cycle. So, “our best” on one day may be very different than “our best” on another day. The most important thing is that we are heading in the right direction.

            I like how a graph explains this – and I even drew this all by myself. Our goal is to make progress toward our eventual goal of eternal life. But it’s not a straight shot, is it? 

            It’s actually more like this, isn’t it? Life is difficult and we have lots of ups and downs while we are still heading in that overall upward direction.  (And you will notice that this first dip goes even lower than the starting point—which I think is significant, even though I didn’t purposely draw it that way.)

            Last year, my therapist showed me another way to look at progress that I find even more helpful. Even though we may feel like we’re not progressing, we still are and things will feel better soon. 

            My favorite inspirational singer, Hilary Weeks, wrote a  song called “Someday Down the Road” that describes this. “It’ll come around. It just takes time. It takes living life to get living life right.” So, when we’re in the downward part of the loop, we can just realize that progress is still happening. It just needs more time to become noticeable.

            I was grateful for a talk by Gaylamarie Rosenberg that I watched online during BYU Women’s Conference in May 2020. I wrote down the following notes on overcoming perfectionism. First, be patient with progress. Second, focus on what we can do, not on what we can’t do. What we focus on will increase. We can start where we are and move forward from there. Third, offer what we are able to and trust in Christ’s ability to magnify it. Another very important step is to strive to see ourselves as Christ sees us. (See “Gather to be Perfected but not Perfect”). He feels unconditional love and mercy for each of us. As we work to develop that attribute, we can learn to see ourselves and others through that lens.

            As I discussed earlier, Christ is perfect. However, we don't have to be in this life. We can absolutely take that pressure off of ourselves. We need to be yoked with Christ and His perfection. We can choose to believe that He has the power to save and change us and eventually help us become perfect. D&C 67:13 counsels us to, “…Continue in patience until ye are perfected.” Moroni 6:4 refers to Jesus as the “author and finisher of our faith.” Moroni 10:32 says, “…Come unto Christ, and be perfected in him…. His grace (is) sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ…” I am a big believer in the changing and enabling power of Christ’s grace. Understanding that aspect of the Savior’s atonement has made all the difference in my life.