Book beginnings

* I have been writing again! I'm updating the progress with a link next to each chapter or section, since I haven't written in order. It's a work in progress - but it's finally growing!!

***

I worked on the outlines, table of contents, and beginning of my potential book back in late July, August, and early September of last year.

After that, I spent September through November finishing my last semester at UVU, which included writing the final research paper on perfectionism for my English 2010 writing class. (I posted that in 5 parts during December and January.) I finally earned an associate degree after four years of attending UVU off and on. When I received my diploma in late February, I was pleasantly surprised to see that I graduated with "high honors." That gave my confidence a small boost.

Since then, I have focused most of my attention on family history work, organization, and spending lots of time with our daughter and baby grandson. This week, I have cleared out my inbox for the first time in a couple of years and have revisited the original outlines for my book.

From those outlines, I developed this table of contents on September 3rd of last year:

Table of Contents 

Title Page / Dedication / Acknowledgements (Posted on August 2, 2020)

Preface (Posted on July 17, 2020)

[Original introduction / disclaimer] (Posted on July 18, 2020)

Introduction: The Journey Begins

·         Part 1: Finding Balance (Posted on November 24, 2019)

1.         The Messy Middle (Posted on July 10, 2020)

2.        A Formula for Balance (Posted on July 14, 2020)

3.        Gradually Replacing Negative with Positive (Posted on July 12, 2020)

4.        Be Present [Original title: Daily Bread] (Posted on July 15, 2020)

5.        Word of the Year (Posted on July 10, 2020)

6.        Perspective and Peace (Posted on July 11, 2020)

·         Part 2: Overcoming Obstacles ~ Overview of this part of journey (Posted on July 16, 2020)

7.         Opposition in All Things (Posted on July 16, 2020)

8.        Living Productively with Mental Illness (Posted on July 16, 2020)

9.        Walking Therapy (Posted on July 17, 2020)

10.      Developing Coping Skills (Posted on July 18 and 19, 2020)

11.      Perfectionism vs. Perfection (Posted on July 21, 2020)

12.      Dealing with Disappointment (Posted on July 22 and 23, 2020)

13.      Setting Expectations and Boundaries (Posted on July 20, 2020)

14.      Learning to Honor Agency (Posted on July 12, 2020)

15.      Compensatory Blessings (Posted on July 19 and 22, 2020)

·         Part 3: Reaching Out to Others with Love ~ Overview of this part of journey (Posted on July 24, 2020)

16.      Connection is Critical (Posted on July 27 and 28, 2020)

17.      Divine Intersections (Posted on July 29, 2020 and August 15, 2020)

18.      Spheres of Influence (Posted on July 20, 2020 and August 15, 2020)

19.      Do What You Can Do (Posted on July 13 and 23, 2020)

20.      Observe and Serve (Posted on July 26, 2020)

21.      Leaving the Comfort Zone (Posted on July 25, 2020)

22.      The Importance of Authenticity (Posted on July 31, 2020)

23.      Daring to Be Vulnerable (Posted on July 26 and 28, 2020)

24.      Focusing Less on Outcomes (Posted part 1 on July 30, 2020; posted part 2 on July 31, 2020)

·         Part 4: Seek Learning by Study and Prayer ~ Overview of this part of journey (Posted on August 1, 2020)

25.      Lifelong Learning (Posted on August 3-4, 2020; posted part 2 and pictures on August 15, 2020)

26.      Spiritual Learning (Posted on August 13, 2020)

27.      Faith, Prayer, and Miracles [Original title: Faith Precedes Miracles] (Posted on August 7, 2020)

28.      Personal Revelation and Possibilities (Posted on August 16-17, 2020)

·         Part 5: Part of Something Bigger Than Self (Overview of this part of journey) (Posted on August 14, 2020)

29.       A Growing and Evolving Testimony [Original title: Growth and Evolution of Testimony - changed on August 15, 2020] (Posted on August 16-17, 2020)

30.      Grace and Gratitude (Posted on August 16 and 18, 2020)

31.      Being Tutored in the Temple (Posted on August 8, 2020)

32.      Family History Fun [originally chapter 31] (Posted on August 9, 2020; posted part 2 on August 11, 2020; posted part 3 on August 12, 2020)

33.      Never Too Late [originally chapter 25] (Posted on August 10, 2020)

34.      Eternal Progression – The Journey Continues (Posted on August 14, 2020)

Appendix A – Perfectionism (English 2010 final paper)

Appendix B – Depression

Appendix C – More Insights on Mental Illness
Appendix D – Examples of Positive Playlists (Posted on July 18-19, 2020)

Sources

* My overall plan was this:

• Short chapters: between 2 and 5 pages long (some of them have ended to be much longer than that and I'm not sure if that's a problem or not) 
• The chapters on "Finding Balance" in part 1 are more like the overarching lessons I've learned after going through so many challenges. 
• Parts 2-3 ("Overcoming Obstacles" and "Reaching out to Others with Love") will return to the struggles. 
•  Parts 4-5 ("Seek Learning by Study and Prayer" and "Part of Something Bigger Than Self") will continue the overarching lessons.

Positive Change

I enjoyed a free 40 minute call with an organization coach that I was prompted to seek out earlier this week. I told her that I wanted to write the book that everyone has encouraged me to write over the past few years. However, I felt like I needed to get my pictures, emails, and files organized before I continued working on it. She posed the question, "What if that's not true?" She elaborated, "What if you could just start right now and write ten minutes each day?" That instantly made this goal feel possible to me for the first time in many months.

During the 13 paid coaching sessions I've had, the main theme that comes up is that I don't feel capable. I don't feel confident in myself to make lasting change. And I don't really like myself because of those flawed beliefs. I'm gradually learning to replace those thoughts with more useful ones.

I woke up early this morning and decided to make another Spark reminder for myself:

Anchored

Here are a couple more insights I've learned recently about thoughts and feelings.

• There are four parts to every conversation:

1. What we say or what they say. (circumstance or fact)
2. What we mean or what they mean.
3. What they hear or what we hear.
4. What they make it mean or what we make it mean.

What we make a circumstance mean is the story we tell ourselves. We can unravel that story by asking ourselves why we think that and if it is serving us.

If the thought isn't serving us and helping us show up as the person we want to be, then we can choose what to think instead and learn to change that thought.

This is easier said, than done. However, it is entirely possible with more awareness and lots of practice.

• Remember, the "self-coaching model" is: circumstances trigger our thoughts -> thoughts create our feelings -> feelings drive our actions -> and our actions cause the results in our life.

We may sometimes feel that an unsettling event has "triggered" us. The truth is that triggers are FEELINGS that come from our thoughts about circumstances (the event). "Triggers" are actually just information that can help us understand our thinking better.

We can learn to feel and release negative emotion as we stay anchored to who we want to be through the help of our Savior.

I have an anchor hanging on the wall just above the floor in my office to remind me of the importance of staying anchored in truth. This scripture from the Bible is written on it: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5).

Here are a few pictures of that anchor, along with some of our family:

Our daughter and grandson

Grandpa time

Playing in my office

Me with our grandson on a Sunday afternoon

An example of how this works is the situation with our grandson. Our unmarried daughter told me she was pregnant last year on mother's day. (That is the circumstance, which is neutral.) 

I spent a lot of time worrying about what that would mean for her/our future (thoughts) and struggling with how I felt about her situation as an unmarried mother (feelings). I finally decided that I would just continue to honor her agency and support her in any way I could (that was showing up how I wanted to in the situation). 

Our grandson was born six months ago and it has been the most unexpected blessing. I have been able to spend time with him every day during the pandemic, which wouldn't have been possible if they didn't live with us. I'm grateful that I chose to stay anchored in truth. 

My good friend gave me the saying behind us: "It doesn't matter how slow you go as long as you don't stop." That phrase has served me well during all the changes I've made over the past decade. It will continue to help me as I'm learning to choose my thoughts and feelings more automatically.

Self-coaching reminders about feelings

As I mentioned in the previous post, I have participated in a Zoom session or phone call with a life coach each week since April 14th. It has been helpful to focus on how to improve my thinking patterns while I've been home during the pandemic. 

I started making some Spark reminders for myself on June 19th to post on Instagram. I thought it might be helpful to post them on here as well. (I found these pictures online, but I don't know who to give the photo credits to.)

The "self coaching model" is: circumstances trigger our thoughts -> thoughts create our feelings -> feelings drive our actions -> and our actions cause the results in our life. 

I've learned that I'm not a fan of "feeling my feelings." That has been the most difficult part of coaching so far. However, I am understanding the importance of this part of the process more and more. 

This is the middle part of the panoramic photo of Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada.

This Spark is a short way to remind myself that I need to notice my thoughts and then FEEL my feelings.

I'm learning that being willing to be vulnerable and honest about the things I don't like about myself brings them out into the light. From shame to acceptance. That's when change and growth can finally happen. Cracking open hurts, but that's when healing can begin. 

The background of this Spark is the lock screen wallpaper from my old Android phone. 

It reminds me of the Tree of Life with Living Water flowing from it. (Both are powerful symbols to me of Jesus Christ.) The only way I can truly change is through His grace.  

"Opposite action" (which basically means "feel the fear and do it anyway") is something I worked on a lot prior to the pandemic. Staying home 98% of the time over the past 3.5 months has made that more difficult for me. I won't give up though!

 This is the right side of the panoramic photo of Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada.

I'm learning that I have a tendency to absorb the stress of other people. (That's the tricky balance with empathy.) I'm working on understanding my own thoughts and feelings, so I can choose the way I want to think and feel, which returns the emotional power back to me. 

This beautiful scene is somewhere in Colorado. 

There will always be emotional pain in life. We can choose to layer it with more negative emotion or we can learn to cope with it in ways that lead to peace. 

Truth is truth, whether it's found in the gospel of Jesus Christ or teaching tools like these. I'm so grateful for powerful, life-changing thoughts that will gradually become my own with practice. 

Self-coaching reminders about thoughts

I have participated in a Zoom session or phone call with a life coach each week since April 14th. It has been helpful to focus on how to improve my thinking patterns while I've been home during the pandemic. 

I started making some Spark reminders for myself on June 19th to post on Instagram. I thought it might be helpful to post them on here as well. (I found these pictures online, but I don't know who to give the photo credits to.) 

This is Lake Tekapo in New Zealand. 

I've never been there, but it just looked so peaceful to me. Plus, I love purple flowers. 

This is Crested Butte, Colorado. 

The "self coaching model" is: circumstances trigger our thoughts -> thoughts create our feelings -> feelings drive our actions -> and our actions cause the results in our life. 

Therefore, whatever result I'm experiencing in life always references back to the thought. Thoughts are optional because we can learn to choose however we want to think about any circumstance. 

Actions are either something I am or am NOT doing because of my thoughts and feelings about a circumstance. Therefore, INACTION is still an action. 

Here are two more ways to describe a thought. 

Do you remember this example from psychology class? 

At first, you may only see a young woman or an old woman. But if you focus on seeing something different, eventually the other woman appears. After that, it's not difficult to notice both at the same time. 

I have heard this called a paradigm shift and it's the shift I'm trying to focus on with my thinking. 

This is another perception example from psychology class. 

Because of agency and "opposition in all things" there are always at least two opposing thoughts in each situation that can both seem true. The trick is to choose the one that best serves you in the life you want to have. I'm looking forward to the day when that becomes more automatic for me.

This is the only way to safely bring thoughts into the light for examination. 

This is Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada.  

(I created this from a panoramic photo I found, so it's the left side of the picture. 

The other two parts of the picture are used in the following post about feelings.)

I'm slowly learning to apply these new ways of thinking in my life. It takes a lot of practice. 

Mourn WITH those that mourn

Back in 2015, I was asked to give a presentation to a group of women about my experiences with reaching out to others in love. Recently, I have felt like I should post that presentation on this blog in a series of posts (like I did in the previous posts with my research paper on perfectionism).

I gave the presentation again to two more groups of women in 2016 and 2017. Each time, I had learned a little more about the topic. However, I wish I could have shown them this video. This is such an important lesson that I need to continue to practice.

I watched this Hope Works video for the first time this morning. It is just under 12 minutes and is well worth your time.



Here is the description underneath the video on YouTube:

Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to support someone but you didn’t know how? Have you tried to “solve” or “fix” the situation? Life’s challenges are ongoing and may not have a simple fix. What is often needed is someone to mourn with. 

Sheldon provides excellent tips for mourning with people. The difference between mourning with someone and mourning for someone is that with implies a journey. You walk a path alongside them. There are times to sit with someone, listen to them, and validate what they are feeling rather than give advice or resources. It’s more helpful to mourn with than for someone. 

Timing matters. If someone shares a vulnerability, it can be healing to have you actively listen. Genuinely try to connect with them. In fact, thank them for telling you, and acknowledge that you do not know what to say. 

Tone matters. Genuinely try to connect with how they are feeling. Human relationships should not be mechanical. When someone opens up, they might already know of a solution but fear carrying it out. 

Complex problems, challenges, and trials require time. So give people time. You’re the resource. You can help them come to the ultimate Healer, Jesus Christ. Whatever your sphere of influence, you can mourn with, walk with, cry with, wait with, listen with, and not simply mourn for those around you.

Has someone mourned with you?

Perfectionism: conclusion

            Two related key methods for easing the pressure of perfectionism are not judging oneself against impossible standards and not trying to do things in order to impress others. Devlin advised, “Become free as you stop holding yourself to insanely high standards . . . Instead of people feeling that they are on display and trying to achieve an unobtainable ideal, it is time for women to be who they really are” (Wasatch Family Therapy). Petra Kolber gave some advice about physical fitness that provided a good example of this. “If what you do personally . . . brings you joy, don’t change a thing. But if your diet is so restrictive, if your workouts are so intense, that every moment you are worrying” about your appearance, then you are missing the point (Halvorson 37). “If you ease up a little bit, you will . . . experience more joy because you will be able to connect on a deeper level” with other people “who struggle—because we connect through our cracks” (37).

            Two other key methods for easing the pressure of perfectionism are practicing courage by leaning into the discomfort of being imperfect and not taking oneself so seriously by learning to laugh more. In the introduction of her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown encouraged women to “wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough” (1). Also, while “going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging’” (1). Dr. Brown explained that shame only works if it’s kept in secret (Devlin) and she described how to shed light on shame: “If you experience the continual thought saying, ‘I can’t believe I could be so stupid,’ talk about it. Call a friend, talk to your spouse, and let others hear what is pestering you inside. This courageous act will provide relief and can often end in laughter” (Devlin).

            In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown shared the data which emerged from her research to persuade people to live in a less perfect and more wholehearted way (129). Each guidepost discussed an attribute to cultivate and characteristics to let go. Several of them provided a good summary of how to ease the pressure of perfectionism. Cultivating self-compassion and authenticity helps a person let go of perfectionism and worrying about what people think (49, 55). Cultivating creativity and meaningful work helps a person let go of comparison, self-doubt, and “supposed to” (93, 111). Cultivating laughter helps a person let go of  “being cool” and “always in control” (117).

            Finally, one of the most powerful keys to easing the pressure of perfectionism is learning to overcome the fear of failure by just being willing to try new things without harsh self-judgement. In her speech, Professor Cassy Budd, explained that her experiences gave her:

. . . a deep appreciation for the value of the “try.” Simply showing up and starting where you are is all that can be asked of you. Regardless of your level of experience, your failures, or your perception of your own potential, wherever you are in life, you just need to show up and try. Try . . . to ignore the negative self-talk when your movements do not measure up, and try to focus on the joy in the learning instead of the defeat in the failure. And amidst your “try,” recognize that others around you are in the middle of their own “try.” Celebrate their progress, even when they seem to be farther along than you, and give them a pass when they fall short. (14 Feb. 2017)

            Professor Budd compared making mistakes while playing the piano with making mistakes in life. “When you allow yourself to be paralyzed by your mistakes, you diminish your ability to be useful . . . Making mistakes is simply part of the human condition and can be one of your most productive learning tools. Yes, you need to recognize your mistakes. But more than that, you need to find a way to effectively play through them” (14 Feb. 2017).

            As I mentioned briefly in the introduction, one area where perfectionism has caused me great distress is when I am required to write papers for my classes in school. I usually have a few semi-nervous breakdowns during the process of researching and especially in the first stages of writing. When I was a junior in high school, I failed an entire semester of English because I couldn't ever figure out how to successfully push through that process. I just froze and couldn't function. It's the only failing grade I ever received in school. As I have matured and developed better coping skills in college, I have gradually improved in this area. Because of my perfectionistic tendencies, I have continued to agonize for days and weeks over the papers I’ve been required to write, but there have been fewer breakdowns and I’ve recovered more quickly. I’m grateful to report that the two semi-breakdowns I’ve had while writing this paper have ended in a breakthrough. I chose to apply the methods I’ve learned in my research for this paper to actually ease the pressure I’ve felt as I have written. Because of that, I have been able to finish writing this paper much sooner than expected and with much better mental health.

            As with other personality traits, perfectionism can be either adaptive or maladaptive. Adaptive perfectionists set high goals and strive to reach them in positive and healthy ways. Maladaptive or toxic perfectionists set goals and have expectations of themselves that are much too high, which can lead to self-doubt and self-criticism. There are many ways a person can ease the pressure caused by perfectionism in their lives. These include learning to not compare oneself to others, developing self-compassion, and learning to adjust expectations and goals to a more realistic level. It may take a lifetime of practice to overcome perfectionistic tendencies, but every effort is worth it because progress never requires perfection.

Perfectionism: part 3

            Learning to differentiate between guilt and shame is a really important step in easing the pressure of perfectionism. In his academic journal article, Adams defined guilt as feeling “bad about the behavior they just performed and the behavior only” (69). Whereas, shame “centers on a negative evaluation of the self, not the behavior . . . In addition, shame causes individuals to suppose that others close to them also feel these same levels of anger and disgust toward them” (69). Guilt can include “being overly critical in the self-evaluation of behavior and performance (concern over mistakes) while striving to meet high standards” (65). This can result in “psychological problems . . . Interventions should focus on lowering self-critical thoughts by integrating the religious components of compassion, mercy, and forgiveness” (65). The goal is to help people “alter how they evaluate their mistakes, flaws, and imperfections” (65).

            In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown demonstrated how shame and perfectionism play off each other. She defined perfectionism as “a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame” (57). She explained that perfectionism is self-destructive “simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception—we want to be perceived as perfect” (57). However, she states the obvious that “there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying” (57). She explained that perfectionism is addictive because “when we invariably do experience shame . . . we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right” (57). She concluded that feeling shame (and the fear of feeling it) is a reality “of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience” this painful emotion “and often leads to self-blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because ‘I’m not good enough’” (57).

In her article, Toni Bernhard explained that perfectionism is a habit that can be changed with practice and she acknowledged that this may be a lifelong journey for people (Psychology Today). She regards herself as “a work-in-progress on the ‘recovering perfectionist’ scale” (Bernhard). A key method for easing the pressure of perfectionism is learning to not compare oneself to others. She explained, “The comparing mindset feeds our perfectionistic tendencies and almost always leads to negative self-judgment” (Bernhard). She added, “Most of us don’t realize that the very people we’re comparing ourselves to are doing the same thing we’re doing – and coming up short in their own eyes” (Bernhard).

Petra Kolber is a famous fitness instructor who learned to transform her drive for perfection into pursuing happiness instead (Halvorson 39). She later developed a program called Perfection Detox to help others do the same (36). She shared some good advice on this topic: “The reason we suffer from insecurity is because we’re comparing our backstory to everybody else’s highlight reel . . . Social media exacerbates this. But we can also change how we look at it” (37). She suggests that it is “possible to see someone’s post and simply think, ‘I’m so happy for them’ without comparing myself to them” (37).

A recent academic journal article discussed how comparison occurs on social media – sometimes without us even knowing it. “Social media-based social comparisons . . . may lead to negative outcomes, particularly as individuals present their most ‘ideal’ selves on social media, therefore inviting upward social comparisons from others” (Sherlock and Wagstaff 483). This can cause unhealthy comparison between reality and the altered reality that is presented. The answer isn’t always to avoid social media altogether, but limiting its use may be helpful – especially if one notices that comparison is causing feelings of inadequacy or inferiority.

This is what I decided to do after our daughter and her boyfriend told us she was pregnant in May of last year. Seeing other women posting about the temple marriages and missionary experiences of their children caused me great distress as I was adjusting to this news. So I completely deleted all of my followers on Facebook and Instagram – and I stopped following all of my contacts as well. As I have become more comfortable with the idea of becoming a grandma over the last few months, I have gradually re-added about twenty contacts on Instagram, but I have continued to avoid Facebook. Therefore, mindfulness, or becoming aware in the present moment of internal thoughts and feelings, is one way to change this habit of comparison which contributes to the negative effects of perfectionism (Bernhard).

            I’ve also noticed that women in this Utah County culture have a tendency to compare their worst traits with the best traits they observe in others. This often occurs at social gatherings or at church meetings and activities. If women burdened by the heavy expectations from perfectionism would be open and honest with their struggles, I believe it would allow others to be open and honest with theirs as well. That kind of vulnerability may help lessen the struggles that accompany perfectionism in women. I have experienced that in my own life. When I began telling close friends that my family members no longer believed and then again when our daughter became pregnant, it allowed them to feel comfortable sharing what was not perfect in their family situations as well.

            In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown explained, “Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight . . . Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life (55-56). She continued, “To overcome perfectionism, we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities” and “develop shame resilience” (57). She concluded, “It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts: courage, compassion, and connection” (57).       

            Developing self-compassion and being gentle with oneself is another way to ease the pressure of perfectionism. In her article, Jan Devlin gave this advice, “Give yourself the same empathy you’d show to a friend. Be willing to mess up and move on” (Wasatch Family Therapy). Several times in my own therapy sessions over the years, I have been advised to imagine how I would talk with a dear friend who is struggling in the same way I am and practice that type of self-talk. Devlin continued, “If you treated your friends as badly as you sometimes treat yourself, you would not have friends. Acknowledge that you are doing your best and be accepting of your efforts, as well as others” (Wasatch Family Therapy). In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown concluded, “To overcome perfectionism, we need to . . . practice self-compassion. When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves . . . we can embrace our imperfections” (57).

Perfectionism: part 2

            Several academic journal articles also explain that there are three general dimensions of perfectionism. Self-oriented perfectionism occurs when a person requires perfection of self, whereas other-oriented perfectionism occurs when a person requires perfection from others (Haring, et al. 144). Socially prescribed perfectionism occurs when a person feels that others expect perfection of them personally (144). This third type of perfectionist feels that others are strictly judging their performance and will only be satisfied if their personal behavior meets those unrealistic expectations (144). These dimensions of perfectionism negatively affect the relationships these people have with others and are often associated with depression (144). Adjusting unrealistic expectations is a way to limit the stress and ease the pressure which results from the introspective self-blame associated with maladaptive perfectionism (144).

            In addition to those three general dimensions of perfectionism, several academic journal articles discussed five other aspects of perfectionism: extremely high personal standards, concern over mistakes, self-doubt, high parental expectations and criticism, and a strong preference for order and organization (Adams 64). All five of these aspects are at play with the perfectionism in my own life. As the oldest child, my parents had very high expectations of me and I was convinced they would be disappointed with me if those expectations weren’t met. Even as an adult, I still worry at times about disappointing them. I also have high expectations for myself and I work very hard to always do my best and to avoid mistakes in all aspects of my life. This often results in indecision and sometimes procrastination because I know how much effort it actually takes to do my best. 

            In his journal article, Michael D. Adams also explained that “the moral or religious expectations contained within the standards of a particular belief system can function as a measure of the self” (62). He continued:

Religious individuals may equate whether or not they are acceptable to God and significant others within their religious community with their ability to meet the religious standards of their faith community. When individuals fail to live up to these standards, they often experience high levels of shame, guilt, and self-condemnation. In addition, religious individuals may experience higher levels of anxiety and self-criticism based on perceived sins, prophecies of future events, and their worrying about their own salvation or the salvation of others. (62)

            This is a description of religious perfectionism and it is very common among members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Adams 62). As a life-long member of this church, I have struggled on some level with everything in that description, especially while I was serving a full-time proselyting mission. During those eighteen months, I felt like I never measured up to the ideal (or “perfect”) missionary. The mission is also where I met my future husband, which is ironic, since he and our two adult children no longer believe.

            Their unbelief has complicated my struggle because one of the main teachings in the LDS church is that family relationships continue beyond death for eternity (Adams 73). Another closely related teaching is that everyone will be judged for their actions on earth to determine their eternal condition in the afterlife (73). In order to cope with the ongoing dissonance between those teachings and my family members’ unbelief, I have gradually learned to incorporate some of the counsel from the previously mentioned academic journal articles. I have tried to be more flexible in my faith, while adjusting the expectations I have for myself and my family members. I have recently wondered if this unexpected situation has given me a chance to become more clear about what I personally believe (separate from my dad on one extreme and my husband on the other) and to continue to learn how to step away from my perfectionistic tendencies.

            Another academic journal article discussed the way other fundamentalist Christian sects also focus on perfectionism (with its unrealistic expectations), which can lead to dysfunction in individual lives and families (Heise and Steitz 11). The writers suggested focusing on spiritual growth, rather than on spiritual perfection (11). This emphasis is similar to twelve-step programs, rather than structured religion (11). When people equate perfection with living a sinless life, they are misinterpreting the Bible’s meaning and they set themselves up to fail, since all humans make mistakes (12).

            Professor Cassy Budd explored the biblical meaning of perfection in a speech at Brigham Young University. She summarized this explanation by a professor in their linguistics department:

Our understanding of the word perfect has changed over the last 400 years: whereas we use perfect to mean “flawless” today, its Latinate root meant something closer to “finished.” Furthermore, the Hebrew word that was translated as “perfect” in the Bible might have been more accurately translated as “complete.” Perfection, for us, is not about being flawless; it is about being finished. (14 Feb. 2017)

That finishing process is ongoing throughout our lives. During my visits and walks with women over the past six years, we have often discussed how perfectionism is a type of counterfeit to actual perfection. Since perfection isn’t actually attainable in this life, we wonder why so many of us still try so hard to achieve it.

            As I have researched the topic of perfectionism, I have been reminded that most strengths, if taken to an extreme, can become a weakness. If perfectionism harms relationships or disrupts normal life functioning, then that’s the line between adaptive (healthy) and maladaptive or toxic (unhealthy) perfectionism. I have worked with several mental health professionals since I returned from my full-time mission in 1994. Over those twenty-five years, six psychologists, one psychiatrist, and two marriage and family therapists have been helpful in my efforts to overcome the negative effects of perfectionism, which have contributed to the depression and anxiety I’ve experienced for most of my life. Three phrases I learned during therapy sessions have helped most with easing the pressure of perfectionism in my own life. One phrase focuses my attention from “all or nothing” to “small or something.” A second phrase I repeat often is “practice makes progress,” instead of “practice makes perfect.” A third phrase reminds me that each person “needs to work with the brain they have.” In my research, I have discovered several related key methods for easing the pressure of perfectionism in women. I will discuss these in the following post.

P.S. I posted that without any angst this time. Progress!

Self-reflection and Perfectionism: part 1

Posting on this blog has been a stressful and unsettling experience for me. I think that stems from my lack of self-confidence and lack of experience, which stirs up my lingering perfectionism. I'm not sure how to write a "good" blog post and I'm especially not sure how to write a book. 

My husband wonders why I am doing it. For now, it's because several people have encouraged me to write a book and this blog is a baby step in that direction. A second reason is to practice pushing through these unsettling feelings and gain more control over my perfectionistic tendencies. (It may also be that I need to save my emotional energy for being a babysitting grandma in the very near future.)

I took a picture of the cover of a classmate's journal a few months ago and I cropped it down to this statement earlier this morning. With that background, here is the next section of my research paper from English 2010:

            Many academic journal articles explain the differences between adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism. “Adaptive perfectionism is related to setting high goals for oneself” and striving for achievement in a positive way (Steffen 946). People higher in this type of perfectionism “report higher life satisfaction . . . less depression and anxiety, and higher active coping and psychological flexibility” (947). This type of perfectionist also experiences more self-acceptance when they fail to reach their high standards (Alan and Wang 258). In contrast, “Maladaptive perfectionism . . . is related to setting unrealistically high standards and high levels of self-criticism and self-doubt” (Steffen 946). People higher in this type of perfectionism “report lower life satisfaction . . . higher depression and anxiety, and higher avoidant coping and psychological inflexibility” (947). 

            In their academic journal article, Alan and Wang specifically addressed the relatively homogeneous religious culture of Utah County. In addition to adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism, they defined scrupulosity as a type of obsessive-compulsive way people engage in excessive religious behaviors (258). Although perfectionism and scrupulosity are different, there is a potential overlap. Maladaptive perfectionism causes a person to never feel good enough, which can lead to scrupulosity, with an excessive focus on what the person perceives as their sins (258). Their study also suggested this could lead to a pattern of living the religion out of fear, rather than approaching it from faith (258). Learning to be less psychologically rigid and practicing faith with more flexibility can increase overall well-being (258). This can also help to ease the pressure of perfectionism.

            According to Patrick Steffen, adaptive perfectionism is also correlated with intrinsic religious worship, which is accompanied by increased life satisfaction (947). Conversely, maladaptive perfectionism is correlated with extrinsic religious worship, which is accompanied by decreased life satisfaction (947). However, when the negative effects of maladaptive perfectionism are reduced, people find more positive life satisfaction in both intrinsic and extrinsic religious worship (947). To generalize the results of his study, another way to ease the pressure of perfectionism in women is learning to separate intrinsic worth from extrinsic religious worship.

            In 2013, UVU professor Kris Doty-Yells conducted a qualitative research study on perfectionism (Devlin). She described the negative aspects of perfectionism as being toxic. She explained that toxic perfectionists judge themselves by impossible standards to look, do, and be perfect (Devlin). This is a common theme among women in Utah County and specifically in members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It often translates into unrealistic expectations of always having clean and orderly homes, well-behaved children, happy marriages, and lives filled with service in church and community settings (Devlin). This lifestyle of focusing only on success, while avoiding failure, isn’t sustainable and often leads to unhappiness and feelings of inadequacy (Devlin).

            Dr. Brené Brown is a researcher who has written several books on the topics of perfectionism, shame, and vulnerability. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she explained:

Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety . . . and life-paralysis. Life paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out into the world that could be imperfect. It’s also all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. (56)

She concluded, “It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist” because “your self-worth is on the line” (56).

            In his book, Feeling Good, Dr. David D. Burns adds to that description of perfectionism: “You defeat yourself with inappropriate goals and standards. You will settle for nothing short of a magnificent performance in anything you do, so you frequently end up having to settle for just that—nothing” (90). He shared an experience from a female client who “spent her days in bed” and felt she had failed her children because she didn’t intervene in their lives (93). That sounded very much like the three years between 2008 and 2010 when I experienced a paralyzing crisis with depression and anxiety after both of our children were in school. I spent most of that time on my laptop because I couldn’t deal with my life. I now realize that it was probably because I couldn’t live up to the expectations I set for myself as a mother, wife, and LDS church member in this culture of toxic perfectionism. Jan Devlin explained:

Self-evaluation can be a good thing when it helps us to move towards a goal. However, there is a vast difference between, “I need to spend more time with my family” and “I’m a terrible mother.” Excessive self-criticism backfires because it leads us to focus on our so-called failures instead of the simple ways that we could progress. (Wasatch Family Therapy)

            Jody Moore is a very influential life coach who specializes in helping LDS women with their struggles. An episode of her podcast contained a helpful summary of perfectionism. She explained:  

Perfectionism is not the same as doing your very best. It is not the same as striving for more and better. Instead, it is a means by which we deprive ourselves of feelings of satisfaction, fulfillment and pride. Rather than having a realistic gauge of what is good and complete, we fixate on what is missing or wrong and it can impact so many areas of our lives. (29 Jan. 2016)

Graduation and Perfectionism: introduction

I graduated with an associate degree from Utah Valley University this month!

I returned to college when our daughter started attending UVU in Fall 2015. I was able to transfer 7.66 credits from a quarter at Weber State University in Fall 1990 and 3 credits from a semester at Brigham Young University in Fall 1992. I took the rest of the required classes off and on for the past four years. I'm very grateful to finally be finished with this chapter of my life.

The last class I took was English 2010. It was the class I had dreaded and put off during my entire college experience. However, it was the perfect way to end my degree. This was my professor's final comment on my research paper: 

Wendi, this is credible, warm, intelligent and compassionate writing. I’ve made a couple of minimal editing suggestions, but my larger recommendation is this: let it sit for a few weeks, circle back, tweak a bit for another audience and then get this up on your blog, or consider submitting it to a more public venue at some point. People need to read this. It didn’t hurt ME at all to re-ground my thinking this week – I needed your words, and the interpretive wisdom from a writer with very real, very human experience.

That comment is what inspired me to start this blog. I have struggled to know how much to share in a public space about my religious beliefs, family dynamics, and personal experiences. So I thought this was the best place to begin. 

Perfectionism

            I am the oldest of five children and felt pressure to set a good example for my younger siblings. I also felt pressure to succeed in school. The high expectations of my parents, combined with my own high expectations, developed a drive in me to never settle for anything other than an A on my assignments and tests. In addition, I was born into a family that actively participates in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and was baptized into the religion by my dad when I was eight years old. My parents served in many leadership callings at church, which seemed even more prominent where I grew up (in Tallahassee, Florida and Longmont, Colorado). My dad also worked for the Church Education System and, later, became a religion professor at Brigham Young University after I graduated from high school. Because of that combination of circumstances, I felt pressure to live the gospel “perfectly,” along with setting a good example for others who may be watching our family.

            As I grew up, these different threads of my life were woven together into a tapestry of perfectionism. This perfectionism was characterized by the pressure to constantly succeed, which often led to fear of failure, lack of sleep, and health issues. Whenever I wasn’t able to live up to my perfectionistic standards, I felt deeply disappointed in myself. Because life became increasingly complicated as I grew into adulthood, this disappointment often led to times of anxiety and depression. As I married and had children, the pressures from perfectionism permeated my experiences as a wife, mother, and homemaker as well. I have lived in Orem, Utah for the majority of my adult life and I have noticed that many women in Utah County struggle with similar issues of perfectionism. In this paper, I will discuss different aspects of perfectionism and will propose key methods for easing the pressure that accompanies it.